The lame ballad of novel #2
Thursday, February 22nd, 2007 at 7:30 pmIt occurred to me today that this business of novel #2 constitutes my first experience of not being able to deliver. I’ve always been the reliable type. At school, and then at work. Never missed a deadline, could always figure out how to do the job I was given. I was accustomed to being able to satisfy people. The idea of not satisfying people was embarrassing. Without realising it, I’d absorbed the notion - or maybe just come up with it on my own - that I was basically here on earth to do as I was asked or told (ok, except for cleaning my room), with “I can’t” or even “I can’t do it right now” being unacceptable words. I’ve tried to shake that mindset, but no can do. And now this - four and a half years after finishing The Etched City, and I still haven’t written another novel. I’ve written many words. I write pretty nearly every day, and my hard drive is cluttered with the results. My friends to whom I’ve moaned about it know why. One not insignificant reason is that I can’t let go of a certain long-black-haired reprobate. I’d write about Gwynn forever if I could. Writing without him in the picture is always a lot harder, and less fun, than writing with him there, or at least around in the background. But while I’ve tried to pen a sequel to TEC, and am still trying, it isn’t working yet, and I’m not going to rush it or try to publish something that I don’t think is at least as good as the first book.
There’s also the fact that if I just indulge myself with writing only about my demon lover, I’m not going to grow much as a writer. With that in mind, I’ve been earnestly working on three other books; but I’ve been wandering in the wilderness with all of them, then getting anxious about not having pushed another book out yet - I keep seeing visions of agents’ and publishers’ frowning faces - and stuffing up, and writing reams of unpublishable stuff as a result.
The temptation is to throw my hands up and say forget it, I’m not gonna do it. But I won’t do that, because I really do want to find out what I can write if I keep applying myself to it, and I feel pretty attached to a couple of the works in progress. And I hate giving up - and, hey, it isn’t as if I’d know what to do with my life if I wasn’t trying to do this.
Happily, I’ve discovered Gwynn & Co aren’t at all fussy about how I represent them in biro on crappy paper. In fact, they seem to enjoy running around as daft chibis. My silly doujinshi is actually giving me a chance to play with those characters again and have fun, without any concerns as to whether the product is publishable or not - so, yeah, it has therapeutic value. And when I’m not drawing fetuses and tikis, I’m still trying to make that second novel happen. I’ve taken the least ambitious of the works in progress and am trying to be very disciplined about how I write it, which means not letting my mind run off on wild inappropriate tangents. I’ve looked at a lot of what I’d written and realised I let the main character - an old lady - be far too crazy. My characters all exist in several different streams of being at once, and this old lady does have a completely batty aspect, as well as a powerful, witchy one, but this story doesn’t call for more than a hinting glimpse of either. That’s part of the problem I have with writing Gwynn, too, actually. I love spending time with him, but he phases between different aspects of himself so much that nothing settles down to a coherent narrative. Maybe I could make it work, but if so I haven’t figured out how yet. Anyway, I can’t hold Gwynn down, but I have more control over most of my other characters, and my old lady is willing to negotiate concerning her wilder eccentricities. Which might mean that I have to write a doujinshi for her later on, too, to let her express whatever I end up repressing.
February 23rd, 2007 at 6:12 am
Your old lady sounds rather interesting. Hopefully she’ll behave long enough for you to fashion a novel around her.
February 23rd, 2007 at 2:32 pm
Have you considered writing a prequel to TEC instead of a sequel?
I don’t think it’s nessesarily a bad thing, not being able to let go of Gwynn. He’s vivid and fascinating, technicoloured and violent; he’s a character in all senses of the word. Too often when I read I keep coming across chracters that are nothing more than a vague bundle of sentences grouped together under a single name.
If a single book is difficult, how about a series of short stories set in the same universe? There was a hell of a lot of background that’s never been examined. Not just concerning Gwynn and where he came from, but other characters as well, and also where *they* came from. To be able to percieve someone like Beth, for example, from the perspective of someone who knows enough to be afraid of her would be quite something.
That said, however, I’ve personally learned not to push anything when I’m writing. First and foremost, I write for my own pleasure. And if I don’t want to do it, it doesn’t get done.
February 23rd, 2007 at 5:03 pm
Alankria - I’m fond of her, and she’s actually been in my head since around 2004, so I’m ashamed that I haven’t actually written the book yet. I’m quite attached to her eccentricities, so perhaps one or two of them will make it into the book after all - but I’m trying to keep the door closed on them until the second draft, when I ought to have a better idea of the shape and tone of the thing.
Caitlyn - a prequel would be difficult, I think, because it would have to be rather unmagical (as far as I can figure out). But stories in that world are another matter, and I do hope to write more - especially as the world itself is elastic enough to accommodate quite a range of fiction.
I also write for my own pleasure, though I’ve found that, luckily, I can still write even when I don’t want to, and produce things that at least some people seem to enjoy. Many writers actually hate writing; I don’t, so I feel fortunate in that regard.
For two or three years I had the interesting experience of writing fiction for real money - $1 a word, guaranteed. It was amazing how my muse hopped to it and produced decent stuff, on deadline. When I wasn’t in the mood, the thought of the excellent remuneration soon got me in the mood. However, they were only short stories. I honestly don’t know whether, even if guaranteed $1 a word, I could write a decent novel with the same alacrity. But hey, I’d like to find out =)
March 31st, 2007 at 5:46 pm
I understand, all too well, how some characters will cling to you - and you to them. They will not let you go, and you find yourself talking to them, eating dinner with them (spaghetti and meatballs?) and looking over your shoulder to see them standing there. They whisper to you, and laugh with you and give you advice when you need it - sometimes better than others.
Myself, I had thought that Etched City was the first in a series of stories about your two main characters - had fully expected to see the next book pick up in the midst of another misadventure. (in my head I’m seeing trains, I always see trains when thinking of these characters) I imagine I’m not the only one to have hoped for more from your very interesting … not sure if “protagonists” is the right word - Gwynn, at least, is very antagonistic.
Sounds to me as though you’re stressing too much - straining toward occomplishment until you’ve no slack in the chain, no room to breath freely. (your eyes bulge and a buzz builds in the back of your head) It might be good advice to simply “let it come” and see what happens.
April 1st, 2007 at 8:20 am
You’re right, W, I did stress out too much, for a number of reasons. I’m less stressed now, which is probably why I’m making more progress. After TEC I did write a few short stories in which I pretty much “let it come” and I was quite happy with those. Letting it come in a novel length work is a bit more daunting, but then again, it seems to be the only way I can write, at least at the first draft stage.
Strangely enough, re trains, for the last couple of years I’ve been imagining Gwynn in a railway station tea room in a little town in the middle of nowhere. He’s enjoying the sunshine and musing about various things. I’m afraid he’s a slightly changed man - despite his apparent nonchalance as he left Ashamoil he still seems to be haunted by what he did to Marriott, though he tries not to show it. The book he’s in seems to be called “The Treasures of the Kingdom”, and I think he’s travelling with a woman again, possibly a lover this time - but I’m not sure what’s going on in the story. As you say, he’s more an antagonist than a protagonist - or he’s a companion to a protagonist. The only adventures he’s likely to initiate for himself are amatory ones. Raule seems to have wandered far away and I’m not sure I can get her back, though she and Beth seem to have merged somewhat in another character who’s floating in my mind.
The way they can suddenly be with you in the room is rather wonderful, I think; I would miss it if it ever stopped altogether.
You are a writer too?
April 1st, 2007 at 12:00 pm
Professionally? Only occasionally. I’ve done a small ammount of freelance writing for various companies, but don’t make any kind of living at it.
Non-professionally, I’ve been a writer all my life. There is a siren call to it, an urgent need that wakes one up in the middle of the night and will not be quenched until you’ve surrendered to its demands, until you’ve pianted the page in words and released some of the pressure in your brain.
Primarily I’m a storyteller - a person who conjurs and fabricates stories for others. Primarily for friends and family, however, as I’m a bit gun-shy - as they say.
Currently I’m working on a children’s novel, though I’ve been stalled by combination of circumstance and a loss of motivation. I am hoping to recover some of the latter in the near future.
April 1st, 2007 at 12:32 pm
Amusingly, after making that comment about “writing all my life” I was accosted by these images of leaving behind little cave paintings in my mother’s womb when I was born.
I had intended to comment on your reference to Gwynn as your “demon lover” as well, for I, too, have one. Sometimes I feel like Pygmalion, waiting for Aphrodite to come down and imbue her with physical life.
April 1st, 2007 at 12:52 pm
The womb-wall cave paintings deserves a picture. I know one or two other writers with demon lovers. There’s an African tribe with a practice of having “spirit wives” and “spirit husbands” - you can be with a physical person in the physical world and at the same time married to a spirit. Which seems a sensible arrangement. Do you write about your demon lover, or draw her? Perhaps I should try to do a survey on the muse (or angel, or duende, whatever you happen to have) - how many writers feel they have one, and does it tend to be of the sex you’re attracted to?
I didn’t always want to be a writer - art was my obsession, then music. Writing came later. But I understand the need you’re talking about. I don’t think I’m very professional; I don’t even want to be professional. The position of lady or gentleman amateur - if an amatuer who is happy to get paid when payment offers itself - seems honourable enough. Good luck recovering your motivation!
April 1st, 2007 at 9:14 pm
Well, I’ve never been much of an artist - that is, of the type who draws - so I’ll leave the cave paintings to you.
I did used to write about mine, for a handful of years she insisted, but not so much any longer. She is still around and very active, however. Of course, calling her a demon lover is really an adoption of your terminology, as I’d had no specific title for her (though she seems to find it most amusing, so it’ll likely stick) - the closest I ever came was “muse”, though it never seemed quite sufficient.
I have heard of other writers experiencing the same phenomena (famously, Anne Rice) and have to say it gives some definite credence to the concept of the muse.
I respect artists and musicians, though I’ve no talent for either. (though I do pluck at my small-harp from time to time) Growing up I hated music, as all my parents listened to was “country-western”, but when I moved out at 16 I discovered a whole other world of music waiting for me. I have a passion for classical and orchestral music, while rarely going through a day without listening to a bit of jazz.
April 2nd, 2007 at 7:33 am
Have you read Frederico Garcia Lorca’s essay on the duende? He speaks about this almost demonic inspiring force as distinct from the muse and the “angel”.
http://www.musicpsyche.org/Lorca-Duende.htm
I would like to hear more about your demon lover, if you feel like telling (but I understand if it’s a private affair).
April 2nd, 2007 at 1:46 pm
I have no particular problem discussing the topic, though I tend to be a bit self-concious in that I expect others to think me madd when I bring up the matter. (while not overly concerned with what others think, I do realize that if one wants to function effectively in society, he or she had best make an effort to avoid topics which could actively frighten others)
With that said, I’m not sure what, precisely, you would like to know. With this sort of topic I do best when answering questions, so feel free to ask them and I will answer what I can. (don’t feel you have to skirt any subjects for fear I might not wish to discuss them, if you ask a question I’m not comfortable answering, I’ll tell you)
April 2nd, 2007 at 2:13 pm
I certainly understand about not wanting to appear mad - though since I’ve been living in Thailand I’ve been a bit more gung ho, as it’s quite normal to believe in ghosts, spirits, gods and fairies here. Virtually every building has a little “spirit house” outside - the Australian Embassy has a palatial one - for the spirits to live in; taxis have magic sigils painted on the roofs to keep the passengers’ bad karma from affecting the driver; the auguries of astrologers are reported in the national newspapers; etc. So I don’t feel like the odd one out anymore.
Anyway, questions:
What does she look like?
Has she always had the same appearance, or does she change?
How old were you when she arrived on the scene?
Does she have a name, and if so, has it always been the same, or has it changed?
How do you know when she’s around?
Does she sometimes seem to be present in a more intense way, for instance, is she usually present in your mind but sometimes seems to be with you like an invisible person?
Have you ever seen her, like a vision?
I take it she communicates with you; does she have a distinctive style of speech?
Does she seem to be associated with coincidences and odd happenings?
What’s your relationship with her like - friendly, stormy, mutually loving, yearning?
Does she or has she ever taken on aspects of characters in films, books, TV etc.?
Is she the only one who haunts you, or are there others?
Ok, I’d better stop - that’s probably quite enough of an interrogation!
April 2nd, 2007 at 3:39 pm
For reasons mentioned there, I chose to send my response via e-mail, assuming the address under your contact link (on the web page) is up to date.
I would be very curious to learn more about your own relationship, if you don’t mind sharing. (feel free to use your own questionaire as an outline, if you like)
April 2nd, 2007 at 8:37 pm
Got your email - will reply soon. Very happy to share - Gwynn is quite extroverted, and I am not shy around people who’ve had similar experiences.