Wanting to take more responsibility for things I can change. Giving up feelings of responsibility for things I can’t change. Not exactly giving fewer fucks, but redistributing where fucks are given.
Mum had cancer last year. They caught it in time and it was all out and over quickly, but it was still quite the reminder of mortality. Which hasn’t made me want to rush out and do a million things all at once, but I’m more determined to be satisfied with life — at least under normal circumstances when nothing terrible is happening — than I was before. I’m still plagued by shyness but I’ve been fighting it a bit more, and so far the sky hasn’t fallen in.
Realising that teenage fears still somehow linger. What will they think? Oh, they think I’m ugly and such a dork. I won’t try to do that thing — I’d better just hide back here, away from judging eyes. Shit sticks. But time takes a toilet brush, puts it in your hand…
A sense of less to lose. It isn’t just that time is shorter. Once upon a long time ago I thought I had to be perfect. I’m still a perfectionist in some things, and I would hesitate to say that perfectionism is always bad. But I’ve had the experiences of failure and of being a mess — not poked away in a cupboard, but a mess right out on the floor where everyone can see it. So there’s less of a sense of a facade to be maintained or any kind of record of high achievement to preserve.
Hello, I’ve been following your blog for about 12 months and felt it was time to drop a line.
I’m going through a similar period of thinking currently. I’m a bit younger than you, but reading a more articulate expression of what’s been floating around my own head was somewhat of a relief! I recently did a 180 in my studies at uni, and your entry here made me feel a lot more comfortable about changing careers paths from one that others would deem appropriate to what I’m coming to accept as more personally appropriate. I really enjoy the varied spread of topics you blog about – keep it up!
P.S. I hope the toilet brush was a deliberate Bowie quote ;P
Hi Iris, nice to meet you. Good luck with your new path! I hope it goes swimmingly for you. I’ve changed my own direction a couple of times too. I guess it took me a while to figure out what was personally appropriate — and who knows, it may ch-ch-change again!
Now that I think of it, that first (mis)quote was from when his hair looked like a toilet brush.
I’m so glad your mom pulled through! C is a terrifying thing to have to face.
Re: Life…I have no answers. I’ve only just begun to realize that I’ll never have them. Most of them anyway. But appreciating the fact that it isn’t a problem I’ve been charged with solving is a slow process for me. I kick and ponder and poke my finger into keyholes, trying to unlock whatever mystery I’ve been handed, or at least to discover its name.
Some scholars insist that the Whore of Babylon’s true name is “Mystery”. There might be something to that. XD
A friend told me once that she got out of the CGI animation field because it was like a mouse wheel she could never climb down from. Every process was circular and had to done all over again the next day. She said life was already too much like that.
So yeah… mouse wheels. Wheels of all kinds. They take you up, they throw you down. I guess I’m just looking for the wheel that fits me.
Post more. People do read it.
I’ve been thinking lately that nature really played a nasty joke on us. Self-aware creatures who know we’re going to die — it’s a tough hand to play. I sometimes wonder whether many of the troubles we have (and make) stem from that one problem. I think about death quite a bit and try to remember not to waste my time or make other people’s time any worse than it already is, and beyond that… making art and stories sometimes feels like a way to try and escape the wheels.