The latest report is that she hit one of the staff and escaped again, using her Jedi superpowers. Assuming cosmic proportions, she went on a stomping rampage through Melbourne, mistaking it for Tokyo (she wasn’t wearing her glasses), tearing up skyscrapers and shooting lasers out of her eyes. Lord Mayor Robert Doyle, seeing (though a periscope in his bunker) my aunt’s potential as a weapon with which he might realise his dream of destroying Adelaide, deployed a crack unit of parking inspectors to capture her. Pulling the dome off Flinders Street Station and the spire off the Arts Centre, she made a mortar and pestle with which she ground the parking inspectors into a hearty (and livery, and bony) soup. Then she wandered west and destroyed Adelaide* anyway.

Mum is none too pleased and has hired an outside carer with ninja superpowers to keep an eye on my aunt. However, in fights between Jedi and ninja, the Jedi usually wins.

*Speaking of Adelaide, South Australia has passed a new law allowing the cloning of human embryos for research, and the mixing of human and animal genetic material. No longer will Adelaide be known as the City of Churches, but as the City of Flying Dog-Men. And you can grow your own dope there. For Baphomet’s sake, does that sound like the kind of place that should be shut down…?

Goodbye, blog archive. There comes a time to burn old diaries (and start a new pile for some future bonfire).

My mother tells me that my nearly 101-year-old great aunt, who recently moved into an aged care home, “has no idea where she is & tried to escape, attempting to take another resident with her.”

In dressing gowns and lipstick, over the wall, evading the dogs, robbing a bank, hijacking a ship, making it to Panama…